Today I went to a company party.
I felt stupid, as usual. I always feel stupid. I'm actually not very bad around my coworkers. In fact, I think this job has helped me grow a great deal, and overcome some of my SA. I joke with my friends from work but it is not a joke. In order for me to get comfortable with someone, I have to spend 8 hours a day with them for three years, then I get better. And still I'm not what I would want to consider 'normal'. Whatever that is anyway.
I'm still nervous and fidgety when I'm talking to people. The ONLY person in the world I have no SA with is my husband. Yes, I have a husband. Yes, I had trouble finding a husband. No, it wasn't because of my SA. It was because of a layer of crap that was on top of the SA some years or so ago. After therapy and recovery groups, I managed to pull myself out of that shit. It was hard. Hardest thing I ever did. Best thing I ever did. I did it for me. Which is the most important part. (Actually it was easy to find a husband just any husband. It was hard to find a GOOD husband, which I'm glad I finally have.)
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Because no one will ever take care of me like I want to be taken care of, except me.
I had to learn that.
I think most humans are born as babies knowing that. Not me. But I learned it the damn hard way.
Anyway back to my work party. I sat with my friends. I like them a lot. (A lot is two words, look it up will ya?) We even do things outside of work. But when we do, I still am terrified. I wonder if they can sense it. I am not sure. If I ask my male friend if he can sense it, he says no, but I think he's lying. I'm more terrified of women than I am men. Women are scary as hell. They are sharp. They just feel sharp. I don't know why, they just do. Probably why I couldn't have chosen a woman as my companion. Don't get me wrong, I find women very attractive and I would sleep with one if I was not terrified of her. I'm terrified of all women.
I say terrified, and I'm not over using the word, okay? I'm not. It's appropriate. In fact, the word is less than what I feel.
But I go out anyway. I suck up the terror and I brave the world. I think many SAers don't. They hide in their homes. But then again I want to hide in my home. And often I'm out and about, shaking in my boots, pulling my cuticles off my fingernails, stuttering, making an idiot fool out of myself, and wondering what the he'll I'm doing. Why I'm not safe at home with my books, my TV and my Cycles. But I'm out there.
Is that a good thing?
Heck if I know. Doesn't feel like a good thing at the time. But then usually I'm glad I did what I did, out in the scary world.
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Posted in Home Improvement Post Date 02/11/2016